Depression

I didn’t fully understand depression. I thought I did. I have read about it, listened to people talk about their experiences, I knew what it was. Except I didn’t. Until I experienced it.

I have had anxiety, I have lived that and I know how to manage it. I have been sad before and I have been stressed out and felt very overwhelmed. David losing his job for example – lots of stress, anxiety, overwhelm for a few years.

I have (incorrectly) said “I am pretty depressed at the moment” when I have felt anxiety, stress or overwhelm but it has never impacted my daily life to the point where I can’t function. Because it wasn’t really depression.

“People who have never dealt with depression think it’s just being sad or being in a bad mood. That’s not what depression is for me; it’s falling into a state of grayness and numbness.” — Dan Reynolds

During my clinic stay my psychiatrist explained the different types of depression – the type of depression I have is trauma related which means it is probably not something I will deal with long-term, especially since I have never had it before. But I am dealing with a lot of the associated symptoms.

• Mood:A persistent feeling of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness. This feeling is with me constantly. EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!
• Energy: For a long time I felt like I was walking through water – every step was an effort.
• Sleep: Fortunately my overall sleep wasn’t affected but I did have a few rough nights.
• Appetite: You might eat less, or more.
• Physical symptoms: Physical aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems are common. In the early days I definitely felt these pains in my body, it is also something associated with grief.
• Concentration: This one hit me hard. I was forgetting things, I couldn’t quite get our grocery orders right and trying to get any intense work done was impossible.
• Thoughts: You might have thoughts of death or suicide, or attempt suicide. I have not had these thoughts at all but adding it here in case someone is reading this who is.
• Interests: Losing interest in the things you love to do is a sign of depression. I sort of had the opposite, I didn’t want to work, I just wanted to scrapbook and read.
• Social interactions: This one was huge for me. I shut myself off, seeing people felt impossible.

I have read lists like this before, it is nothing new but experiencing them so intensely was very new for me. I was chatting to a friend who was also going through depression for the first time last year and they also had an understanding of the disease but no real reference or understanding of just how hard it is.

Simple things like getting out of bed in the morning felt physically impossible. There were mornings I would try put my legs over the bed to get out and I physically couldn’t. Or I would manage to get up but before I could get downstairs I would have to go back to bed.

I remember clearly needing to go out for something, I lifted my hand to try open the door and I couldn’t. I physically could not do it. I missed a friends child’s birthday party recently because the thought of leaving the house, interacting with people was just overwhelming.

I tell myself, just walk down the stairs, its your home, you can do it but in those dark moments I can’t. And honestly until I lived this I didn’t understand people who shared experiences like this. I mean how hard could it be to walk outside, right? Well let me tell you some days it is impossible no matter how much support, love or self talk you have – you just can’t do it.

For someone who finds comfort in control this has been a humbling experience. I try to force my body to get out of bed but it just won’t move – I can’t control it. I try to smile and be happy but the tears come regardless – I can’t control it.

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.” — Charlotte Eriksson

Part of my therapy is learning to let go of control and lean into my feelings, not of the depression really but of my grief, the sadness and the rage. I am in a better place than I was late last year but every day is still a struggle.

It is a struggle to get out of bed.
It is a struggle to focus on work and be present.
It is a struggle to keep on top of things like the kids school, meal prep, etc.
It is a struggle to maintain relationships with friends.
It is a struggle to make sure I am eating properly.
It is a struggle to stay active.

Am I doing all of these things – yes, I am. Thanks largely to my incredibly supportive husband, a great psychologist and some meds.

But every single day is still so hard.

If you are feeling like this, there is help. If you don’t have a friend or partner you can talk to, call SADAG. I called them a few years when we needed help for a friend and they were amazing.