What About Me?
I started therapy with a new therapist last week. We were about 45 minutes in to me telling her about our lives the last 3 months when she said “What about you? When is it your time to grieve?”
WHAT?
It stopped me dead in my tracks! I am sad. I am devastated. I am grieving. Or am I? Am I not just surviving trying to keep it all (me) from falling apart.
WHAT!
I have this internal narrative that I am selfish. I had believed it as long as I can remember. I am not sure if I was told I am selfish or made to feel it or if I told myself that? But it’s a core belief I have about myself so how is someone asking me about ME? Doesn’t make sense – a selfish puts themself first, right?
This question has stuck with me the whole week. What about me?
Dealing with a grief as crippling as the loss of an adult child impacts so many people – parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, colleagues, friends, partners – so so many people. A few of those people are my responsibility – David, Kiara, Emma, Jack – I need to make sure they are ok, I need to make sure they have the tools and the space they need to be ok. My family – I need to be ok, so they can see that I am ok so they can be ok.
I can’t fall apart for them. I need to hold it together – just until they are ok.
But the reality is, I can’t hold it together for them anymore. I can’t push back the tears anymore. I can’t make it through the day like its any other day anymore because I have the deepest darkest sadness pulsing through my body. I can’t be strong for them anymore. I can’t fix their pain – I can barely contain my own.
I have a small group of incredible friends who, I know, are holding space for me to fall apart. I know they are there. I know that, without question, David is there. But I have just not been able to let go because I needed to make sure everyone else is ok.
But what about me. When is it my turn.
It’s now. I need it to be now.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. Hermann Hesse
