I have been wanting to write this post for literally a year. As someone who shares through writing when something happens, anything – big or small, we want to write about it. I have shared what happened to Cameron but I have wanted to share a post on how to prevent something like this from happening, what you need to be on the lookout for etc. The problem has been – I don’t know the answer.
I have played the last few years of Cameron’s live over and over in my head – every conversation, every interaction – to search for a sign that he felt lost enough to take his own life. Sure, you can say, maybe I don’t want to see – I get that too.
Cameron was my first child, which always creates such a unique bond – doesn’t matter how many kids you have, there will always only be one first. Then when I was a single mom it became him, Kiara and I. If you have ever been a single mom you will know the unique bond that that creates. I have always tried to foster a close, open relationship with all my kids and I know in my heart that Cameron and I were close. We spoke a lot about a lot of things. Of course there was stuff he kept from me, bad decisions he made along the way (trying to steal our mini bus and breaking the side mirror) and things he did that were completely age appropriate (getting drunk with his friends in high school). But we were still close.
When he was struggling, he told me. When he needed help, he told me. When it was too much, he came home. He knew we were always here and would always help – always.
Did I know he had anxiety – I did.
Did I get him help when he asked – I did.
Did I know not being able to get a job was hard on him – I did.
Did I know he got in his own head a lot of the time – I did.
Did I know he was having a lot very triggering moments in his relationship – I did.
Did I know he was going to take his own life – I did not. Not even for one second did I think it was an option.
After his death, his ex-girlfriend sent me a message about how he had tried to take his own life before – a few times. She knew. She never told me or anyone actually. I am not sure why she never asked for help or told someone. I haven’t really gotten into it with her – there is still some unresolved emotions towards her. Had I known we obviously would have done everything we could to help Cameron.
But I had no idea – none. He didn’t want me to know. I will never know why but he spent a lot of time and energy making sure we didn’t know. I think, from what I am learning, that is often what happens with deeply depressed people. When I was starting out I worked with a chef who was such a great guy, happy, successful – ticked all the boxes on the outside but he tried to take his life. No one knew what a dark place he was in.
I am not saying this to absolve myself – trust me I am still muddling my way through the guilt. I mean I was his mother, I should have known, right?
So whats my advice?
- Keep talking to your child. Even if you think they aren’t listening.
- Watch for behavioural changes – they don’t have to be big, bold changes.
- Remind them that they can tell you anything.
- Check their friends out – if you have a bad feeling – don’t leave it.
- Therapy for trauma/depression is covered by PMBs, this means as long as you have a medical aid/hospital plan, you will get these sessions paid for. Take advantage of this.
- Listen to your child. If they ask for help, find it for them. If they say they are unhappy, listen – don’t tell them to tough it out.
- Talk to your kids about mental health issues – be open and honest about it so they don’t feel like it is a bad thing.
- Call SADAG – I called them when Ansie was in a bad place and they were so helpful. They gave me advice on how to deal with her but also how to manage my own emotions around the situation.
I will never know why Cameron made the decision he did. It will probably be something that haunts me for the rest of the my life. What I do know is that he was loved, he knew that. He knew how important he was to me and David and his siblings. He just felt that he had reached the end of his journey.
