Trauma – yours, mine and ours

We have a friend who is currently deep in their trauma. They have had a series of traumatic and life changing things happen in a short space of time and, naturally, it is now at the point of complete overwhelm.

That, together with our trauma has meant David and I have been talking a lot about trauma responses, the impact of trauma of the body, our role in our children’s trauma and how to be manage it all better.

What we always come back to is that you have to face YOUR trauma first and deal with it. If I am honest I hate therapy. I don’t want to go and each month I think of a million reasons why I don’t need to go and sometimes I think I am fine and don’t have anything to talk about. I always go though and end up running out of time. It’s not my therapist, she is great and has helped me navigate a lot over the past few months. The reason I don’t want to go is because it is hard. I have to talk about Cameron and my feelings and the struggles I have with Emma and my role in them. It’s often very uncomfortable and I just want to say “I am done now, I am going!” I never do though, I don’t stay because I am brave or better than anyone – I say because I know I need to. Some days I do it because I know my kids need me. Some days I do it because I forgot to cancel the appointment. Some days I do it angry or sad or resentful. But I do it, I talk it through and I am always grateful afterwards. It does not make it easy though.

The Physical Impact: How Trauma Affects Our Bodies

Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories—it sits in our bodies and manifests in variety of ways:

The Nervous System: Trauma can rewire our autonomic nervous system, creating a state of persistent hypervigilance where the body remains prepared for danger even in safe environments. This leads to a chronic stress response that keeps stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline elevated. If you don’t deal with the trauma, this continues until your body literally burns out.

Physical Health Consequences: Research has linked trauma exposure to increased risks of heart disease, autoimmune disorders, chronic pain, digestive issues, and a weakened immune system. The groundbreaking ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study demonstrated that childhood trauma significantly increases the likelihood of developing serious health conditions later in life.

Sleep Disruption: Many trauma survivors struggle with insomnia, nightmares, or disrupted sleep patterns, which further compounds health challenges and emotional regulation difficulties.

The Psychological Impact: How Trauma Changes Our Minds

Trauma can profoundly reshape our mental landscape:

Memory and Cognition: Traumatic memories are stored differently than ordinary ones. They often remain fragmented, intense, and easily triggered. This can make concentration, learning, and decision-making more difficult. So many things trigger me now, late afternoon/evening phone calls, shows dealing with suicide, certain words are just a few of the things.

Emotional Regulation: Many survivors struggle with emotional volatility or numbness. Some may experience overwhelming emotional responses to minor triggers, while others disconnect from their emotions as a protective mechanism.

Mental Health Conditions: Trauma significantly increases the risk of developing conditions like:

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Substance use disorders
• Dissociative disorders

The Relational Impact: How Trauma Affects Our Connections

Perhaps most profoundly, trauma shapes how we relate to others:

Trust Issues: When safety has been violated, particularly by those who should have provided protection, developing trust becomes extraordinarily difficult.

Attachment Patterns: Trauma can lead to insecure attachment styles, including anxious attachment (fear of abandonment) or avoidant attachment (difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability).

Boundaries: Survivors may struggle with establishing healthy boundaries, either becoming too rigid and isolated or having difficulty recognizing when boundaries are being crossed. I have become a little too rigid in how I am applying boundaries at the moment.

Shame and Self-Worth: Many survivors internalize a sense that they are fundamentally damaged or unworthy of love and connection, making meaningful relationships feel impossible or dangerous. The loss of Cameron left me doubting myself as a mother – how did I miss the signs? Why didn’t I KNOW he was struggling. It is something I am still trying to work through and has definitely impacted the other 3 children.

These are just a few of the ways that trauma can impact our daily lives. All of these impacts get more intense and more debilitating if they are not dealt with. For many of us dealing with the trauma though is so hard, too hard some days so we don’t but that intensifies these impacts which, in turn, make every day life almost impossible. It can become a vicious circle of trauma until we deal with it and stop the wheel from turning.

My only advice is to get help. Find your support system and lean on them while you are getting help. The only way forward is through the trauma, even when it all feels impossible.