My last words, in person, to Cameron were “Make smart choices”. It was 5 in the morning he was on his way to the airport to go back to Cape Town after spending a few months with us.
I can still see the look on his face when he left. He smiled, the smile of a 22 year old who was absolutely not going to make smart choices.
I obviously didn’t know that those were going to be the last thing I said to him in person. But he knew. I am sure of it.
He came home to say goodbye – we just didn’t know it. But he knew it.
He knew it when he took Jack and Emma out for some one on one time with him.
He knew it when he bought me a coffee machine for my birthday.
He knew it when he went to gym with David.
He knew.
I think a lot about what I would have said if I had known. The thing is though, if I had known what pain he was in, we would have been having very different conversations. We would never have let him go back to Cape Town. But we didn’t know. So I said what I said. If I had to do it over and had the same information I had in that moment, I would have said the same thing.
When someone dies everyone says “tell people how you feel” or “don’t let them leave being angry” or similar such things. While you are dealing with grief I can understand how this makes sense but you can’t live your life like someone is going to die after every interaction you have with them.
Life is what it is. Things are going to happen like they are going to happen. Nothing I said to Cameron in that moment was going to change the decision he was going to make. He knew we loved him. He knew we supported him. He knew he could ask for help.
I am still wading my way through the guilt but I don’t regret those being my last words to him.
“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.”— John Green
