I am a doer. When we are in times of crisis, I do. I fix, I find solutions to get us through it. So when Cameron died, I started doing, fixing, organising etc to try get through it. Unfortunately you can’t fix your way through grief, even if you try really really hard. Your body, at some point, will say “Nope, we are done fixing, we need to feel”.
Well that’s what happened to me anyway,
I was doing and doing and doing and the suddenly one day it was like a flipped switched and I started crying and couldn’t stop. I remember the moment very clearly. I was standing in our lounge behind a couch and a Whatsapp message came through – it wasn’t a great message but under normal circumstances it wouldn’t have been a huge deal but it was in that moment. Then a few days later another message came through about the same issue and that was, as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. I messaged my therapist that day and asked her to see if she could book me into a clinic.
The week before this incident happened I was in my therapy session barely able to hold it together and she mentioned that if I wanted to the option was there to spend some time in a clinic. When she said it, I brushed it off, I mean I was fine! Sure I was sad, but that was normal, I had to just keep doing. Right? Wrong!
I reached a point where I was physically not able to do anymore. I was struggling with work, we kept running out of food because I just couldn’t get the orders right and there were a lot of days I just stayed in bed. All normal behaviour for dealing with grief, I understand that but I felt paralysed by it all. It was just all too much.
It took a week for me to get a space in the clinic my psychologist wanted but it was worth the wait. It was the help I didn’t know I needed. I was able to stop and really sit in my emotions and process everything that had happened without having to worry about meals, kids schedules, work or any of the other daily life tasks. I had a great team made up of a psychologist, psychiatrist and occupational therapists who were all working together with me to make sure I had a safe space and the tools I need to work through everything.
It was not easy. Five consecutive days of 3 therapy sessions a day is a lot, it is a lot of emotions, a lot of talking and a lot of processing but it was what I need to help me move forward a little to a place where I feel stronger and more capable.
I am so grateful I was able to take this time out to focus on myself and what I needed to start really processing and accepting the loss of Cameron. I am grateful for the support of David for not evening hesitating when I said I need to go. I am grateful for Eve and Che who said “Go, take the time out.” I am grateful for the medical team who listened to what I wanted to do instead of just following a course. I am grateful for Benji who stepped in to help with the kids.
My journey with grief has only just begun, there are a lot more tough days ahead but I now know I have an incredible team of people who will be there for those days.
