I read the prompt from My Slice of Life this month and closed the page. My birthday this year, without Cameron, was such a trigger and while I had a really good day, I didn’t expect the sadness to be so overwhelming. Then I thought about it and decided to write about it anyway.
When I was growing up we always had parties and my mom would always bake our cakes. Who remembers this book? So many of our cakes came from it. I remember the castle, the butterfly and my brother had a number 4 that I also think came from here. And of course the famous Barbie in cake, cake! When I had kids, I wanted to do the same thing and I did manage to get it right, for most of their birthdays. I will admit though that it was not a always a stress free experience. I remember making buckets of icing for Cameron’s first birthday cake trying to get the red the right colour for his Winnie the Pooh cake. (I never did get it right and avoid red on cakes for years.
I loved planning and decorating for kids parties. Emma is the only one now who still lets me have my fun and I suspect that will also end soon. This post, however, is not about the kids birthdays but about how I celebrate my birthday. I don’t really have a tradition or a specific thing I do on my birthday if I am honest. Each year is different depending on what we have going on, what the budget looks like and how I feel.
Last year we went out for dinner, it was perfect. Cameron was here and the restaurant we picked was amazing. It was simple but perfect. The year before we went to the Kruger Park as part of our combined birthday and anniversary celebration. The Kruger is my happy place so there really as nowhere else I would have rather been.
This year was a little more subdued. We went out for lunch the Sunday before my birthday with Benji (David’s counsin) and had the most delicious Indian meal. I didn’t realise that my actual birthday this year would be so sad. I woke up the kids and David gave me all the things I had asked for but then Kiara sent me this illustration she had done of an old photo of us and it opened the flood gates. This photo was taken when I was a single mom – it was just her, me and Cameron. It was obviously a hard time but also such a special time for the 3 of us.
I didn’t expect the grief to be so loud on my birthday, mainly because my birthday wasn’t generally a big deal – there weren’t specific traditions or things we did together and Cameron had been living in Cape Town for the past 3 years. But I suppose it was another reminder of the fact that I will not spend another birthday with him. This birthday was hard for me, the next one may be a little easier.
Despite this birthday being tough I do love birthdays. I don’t mind getting older. Each year for me has gotten better and better. I am growing more into myself each year and I love that adventure. I am 5 years older than David and the kids love to remind me how OLD I am. I also don’t dread my birthday, I can also say that I don’t actually feel my age. I turned 47 this year but I don’t feel like I am 47 – I am not sure what age I feel but it is not 3 years away from 50!
How old do you feel? How do you celebrate your birthday?
The key to getting a real deep red for cake frosting is to start with chocolate frosting not white… I learned that one the hard way after we ended up with the most god awful tasting deep red frosting (the amount of dye I had to use to turn white frosting red was obscene and you could taste the food coloring). I LOVED making my boys’ birthday cakes and trying to theme them out for them. I don’t remember much about my cakes growing up because I weirdly did not like cake for much of my childhood. I am so sorry to hear your last birthday was so hard but grief really does just creep up on you when you least expect it. I don’t mind getting older either and I often forget (or have to sit and calculate) how old I am because I don’t feel my age either. I too am 47.. at least for another few months and I was stunned to think how close to 50 I am.
Sending love and hugs. Every day without Cameron must be hard but those special occasions, I can’t even imagine. x
My aunt made me a barbie cake one year and I felt so special. 🙂 I don’t mind getting older either, as it’s a reminder how many wonderful experiences I’ve had and how many hard times I’ve survived, and I’m still here. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be without Cameron, but I do know that “firsts” and special occasions without a loved one can be especially and surprisingly hard. Wishing you all the best, with hugs and prayers.
We had that birthday cake book too. My mom made the train and the teddy bear and the clown. Wow! Have you brought back memories for me. Thank you.