Grief: The Unexpected Moments

When someone dies you expect to feel sad, right? You expect to see things that remind you of them, right? Right. We know that. Well, like with so much in life there is a whole lot of stuff they don’t tell you. Especially when the death is sudden and traumatic.

My friend Ansie died over a year ago and there are many things I will see or hear that remind me of her, it is with sadness but with more nostalgia. It is definitely not triggering and traumatic like it is with Cameron and I was not prepared. (I know that you never really are).

The triggers now hit me hard, some are panic attack inducing – I can literally feel my heart beating faster in my chest.

Like when I saw the word “hang” in my scrabble words – I had to play a word immediately because it was just too much seeing that word.

When my dad, who never calls me, called me in the middle of the day and started telling me about my moms recent fall. (She is ok) But I had an instant panic attack.

Every time I make a cup of coffee in the machine he bought me I am reminded that he will never enjoy a cup of coffee with me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

The t-shirt I was wearing that night that I had to get rid of, if I put it on, it literally suffocates me.

The suicide scenes on TV – I have to fast forward.

When people ask me how many children I have. I freeze. The next questions are always – are they boys/girls, how old are they, where are they etc etc.

The worst part of all of this is that I didn’t know I would react the way I did. It hits me each time, like a punch to the gut, winding me. It feels like I am carrying a bomb that can (and does) go off at any moment with little or no warning. It is a lot. It is exhausting and anxiety inducing. It is hard to remember that is part of the process because it is hard to be this sad all the time.