I grew up in the 80’s/90’s, the age of eating disorders, Bridget Jones and neon jelly shoes. It was a wild time, especially as a young woman. One of the many things we were told, as young girls, is that we had to have kids early because once you hit 30 it was impossible. The reason we were given was woman’s biological clock runs out after 30 making it virtually impossible to have children. So many of us did what we had to and had our kids in our early 20’s (whether we wanted them then or not, because tick tock).
The older I have gotten and the more information I have gathered and the 2 children I had after 35, have led me to believe maybe we weren’t told the whole truth. Surprise surprise, women’s health issues were gatekept.
Anyway the information was not completely wrong. It is possible to have a baby well into your 40’s and early 50s even. In theory, there is no real rush to have a baby, but obviously the older you are the more complications there are, naturally. I understand this, sort of. I had 2 very healthy pregnancies with no complications so did my aunt and two of my close friends, in fact I have had a few friends who have had babies after 35, some even after 40. I do realise those are all anecdotal and not medical research.
The reality is your “biological clock” keeps ticking until you are officially in menopause but woman in my generation weren’t really educated properly about this which is why there are a fair number of women who have a child in their 40’s because they assume they can’t anymore, so ditch the protection.
What’s my point?
My point is that it is not your biological clock that’s the problem – its estrogen!
Estrogen is often referred to as the ‘hormone of caretaking and nurturing.” It is what helps mothers nurture and form bonds with their young babies. It is what helps us through the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the daily meals, the cleaning. It is what fuels our ability to look after our family as woman. It is also what makes us happy – there is an article here that talks about that more.
Estrogen levels in woman are highest between puberty and perimenopause and peaks when a woman is pregnant.
When a woman enters perimenopause, which can be anywhere from 35 – 50, her estrogen levels start to drop. And so to does her ability to nurture in the same way as she did in her 20s and early 30s. It doesn’t mean she just wakes up one day and no longer cares for her family but it does mean it starts becoming harder to nurture in the same way she did before. This makes sense, because for the average woman, her children would now be teens who are able to look after themselves more and are becoming more independent, so the level of nurturing needed is less than when they were babies and toddlers.
UNLESS you have your children closer to perimenopause – like I did.
I had two children in my early 20s and 2 in my late 30’s and I feel the difference every single day. It is not that I don’t care about or care for the younger two, it is just different. I had more patience, more time and a greater willingness to engage in things like sports, after school activities, outings etc. with the older two. It is harder now, it takes more effort on my part.
But once estrogen fades away, so does that impulse towards sacrifice, and many women are taken aback by the sudden impulse to focus not on everyone else but (gasp!) on themselves!
Dr Suzanne Steinbaum
This sums it up perfectly and can be very difficult to reconcile when you have small children and start feeling like this.
While you can have kids whenever you want, if you do wait until your late 30’s just know it can be challenging, not because you are too old but because your estrogen will leave your questioning every life choice you ever made!
